What Would Jens Do?

Photo by Leigh Schilling - don't forget to visit his photography exhibition at Cafe Racer this Wednesday, June 23.
I'm sure most of you are familiar with the Random Chuck Norris Facts.  It might be my obnoxious North American sense of humor, but I still LMAO when I read them.  Lately I've been seeing more and more random Jens Voigt Facts pop up in the same vein.  I've been collecting these for a while now and have a list to share with you.  If you never hear from me again it means that Jens has hunted me down, forced me to go for a ride with him, and dropped me so hard that it's wiped me off the face of the Earth.

Some of these were sent to me and I have no idea where they came from. Credit has been given where possible.

Random Jens Voigt Facts

  • Jens no longer has a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it climbed into the Saxo Bank team car claiming a stomach ailment and retired. (from Big Ring Riding)
  • Jens’ big ring is 56. His rear cassettte is 11-11-11-11-11-11-11-11-11-12. (from Big Ring Riding)
  • Jens once challenged Lance Armstrong to see who had more testicles. Jens won by 5.  (sent in from SupermanSam)
  • Jens Voigt doesn’t get road rash, the road gets Jens Rash. (from Unholy Roleur)
  • When Jens Voigt rides off the front of a peloton, he’s not actually riding faster, he’s pulling the earth closer towards him. (SupermanSam)
  • Jens Voigt eats steak before every single ride.  Most times he forgets to kill the cow. (SupermanSam)
  • Once when Jens put the hammer down driving the peloton, some riders just dropped off the back, others had their entire existence wiped off the time-space continuum. (SupermanSam)
  • The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is JV (Jens Voigt’s initials). This is not a co-incidence. (SupermanSam)
  • If by some incredible space-time paradox Jens could ever race himself, he would win. (SupermanSam)
  • It is fact that the air within 30cm of Jens’ body remains at a constant 18 degrees C. (SupermanSam)
  • Jens is the permanent holder of the keys to the Pain Locker. (SupermanSam)
  • Jens doesn’t shiver unless it’s from a loss of blood.  Even then, he keeps on riding. (SupermanSam)
  • Jens Voigt can touch MC Hammer. (SupermanSam)
  • Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly and beat the mountain into submission.
  • Jens Voigt once rode so fast he traveled back in time to 1987, and shot Greg LeMond because he’s tired of listening to the guy whine all the time. (from Unholy Roleur)
  • E=MC2, pain= Jens Voigt
  • SaxoBank mechanics removed the brake calipers from all of Jens Voigt’s bikes when it was discovered that nothing can slow him down. (from Unholy Roleur)
  • Jens: noun, verb, adjective, adverb.   (from Unholy Roleur)


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